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Autumn Sampler

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Monday, November 06, 2006
I shouldn't be here
Why is today one of those days where nothing in your life seems right, well okay, my husband seems right but the rest of it all seems so wrong. Like i'm living someone else's life. I don't know why its been like this today, but i'm questioning everything, i feel like i've made all the wrong choices in life. And i don't know what to do about it. I went into university, thouroghly dreading my class because i don't enjoy it at all. I know i made the wrong decision in what i took in university, i know for sure i did, but its too late to change now, my parents cant afford for me to start all over. I'm in my 2nd year of my history studies and it would be a huge hassle to transfer over to computer design, which is what i should have taken in the first place, i might as well just stick out the rest of this year and the year after and i'll be done. I know i don't enjoy it and i'm never as happy as when i'm creating stuff in photoshop. I should be gearing toward that since i love it so much and pushing myself towards a job where i can use photoshop in a job i'll enjoy for the rest of my life. But its too late to start over now, and i can't tell my family about this because i'll get lectured about thinking about what i want before i started all this. I'm also feeling like this is where i'm supposed to be in life either, I should be how i want to be. I shouldnt be afraid to go outside after dark, i shouldnt be afraid to talk to people in my classes, i shouldnt be afraid to live here. I shouldnt let the yobs around here frighten me into a fearful existance which i'm living at the moment. I should have a part time job and be happy at university. I should be happy in my life but i'm not. Thank God for the three things in my life that ARE DEFINITLY RIGHT. Thank God for my husband, my dog, and my digital scrapbooking and the friends that came along with it. I've never met a bunch of people more like me in my life and i can be myself around them. I never feel like i can be myself in real life in England. I don't fit in, i'm not like any of them. I'm not into partying, i'm not into clubbing, drinking, or going out all the time. It seems like no one wants to do anything that I would want to. Why can't people like wanna go bowling or to see a movie or something, something that doesn't involve getting plastered. I just don't feel like i can be myself around them either beacuse i'm not like that, and also when we can barely afford to feed ourselves how am i going to make friends by going out as my husband always says? It takes money to go for coffee, it takes money to go out on a night (which i don't even enjoy doing), it costs money to go to lunch with people. When i have no money it is really not fun to sit there with them at lunch with nothing to eat while everyone else is eating, or going out for a drink at the pub next to the library and sitting there while everyone else has a drink and i cant even afford a bottle of water. This is a sad thing to do, because no one wants to feel left out, and that does make me feel left out, so i turn down the offers because i dont want to feel that way. In turn that makes me not hang out and make any real friends, but its like this, it costs money to make friends, people will say it doesnt, but it does, like i said earlier, coffee, drinks, going out at night, all cost money that we just DO NOT have. It really makes it hard to make friends, i try to be friendly and chat to them in class and things but it just doesnt translate into real friendship that way. I dont know. My house is a tip too, its small, its disorganized. I cant get it organized because there is NO ROOM for our stuff. when its disorganized i cant invite people over or anything. That doesnt help either. I really wish i had someone who could help me organize it once and for all, someone who knows the best way to go about these things. I want my mom. She'd hire someone. lol. no, i just want her help. Or someone to hire someone for me. All this coupled with the constant homesickness i feel, how i feel trapped in England, away from my family makes for a very lonely sad existance. I just feel hopeless today, like i dont know how to fix it, like theres no point in trying. I couldnt even force myself to do more than make the bed this morning. It just all seemed like there was no point. I'll probably wake up tomorrow in a completely different mood, but this is how i feel now and i think that writing this all out for you guys to read might help. Maybe someone will have some suggestions. This is why i love having a blog, i may not be the most constant blogger, but i love how it gives me an outlet to get all my feelings out. I think i'm done now.


posted by Pamela Gibson @ 12:09 PM   3 comments